Wednesday, December 30, 2009


There's a shadow just behind me
Shrouding every step I take
Making every promise empty
Making the world seem so fake
Waiting like a stalking butler
Who upon the finger rests
Murder now the path must we
Just because the son has come

Jesus won't you fucking whistle?
Something from the word of God
Jesus won't you fucking whistle?
Lead me to the path of God

I am just a worthless liar
I am just an embecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I place my hand upon your temple
And dig my nails in 'till you bleed

Mother Mary won't you whisper?
Something from the word of God
Mother Mary won't you whisper?
Lead me to the path of God

I am just a worthless liar
I am just an embecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
So you tell me that you love him
Tell me does he feel the same?
Do you feel a flutter in you,
Every time he speaks your name?

Trust me. Hate me. Love me. Leave me.

I feed upon the wrenching darkness
Deep inside my human soul
I destroy all that is good
Simply to appease myself
I've been handed everything
I treat it like it was owed to me

I am just a worthless liar
I am just an embecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down

First thing I must note is that this is my own personal take on the lyrics to the song "Sober" by Tool. The second thing is that I am not speaking of 'myself' in this, I am attempting to speak as though I were someone else and this is what I believe should be said. But then again, he would have to admit that it is true in order to speak it in the first place.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Theople Pesis(not a typo)

Ah, summertime thoughts. This post is about people, and their generalized behaviors. A People Thesis of sorts.

People are generally selfish. Agree or disagree? I agree. People, in most cases, are generally far more worried about their own situation and well-being than that of the people around them. Self-satisfaction and gratification are top level important to the average joe. Sad, pathetic, but true.

People are generally more evil than good? Agree or disagree? I take a neutral stance on this. People are only as good as they choose to be, and the same can be said for evil. General tendencies of people seem to point towards the evil side, but at the same instance they all possess a conscience that seems to variably effect their behavior when the situation calls for its interference.

Girls and women of my generation and after seem to have lost the faith that a man can be romantic, and with good reason to be honest. Most men are exactly how we are stereotyped to be. Meatheaded, sex driven, idiots with little capacity for thought, let alone love. And with this loss of faith, they have become more centered around self-satisfaction because the man has done the same thing. Sex is no longer sacred, its just an act of self-gratification with no moral stance in the average person anymore. And these are just generalized statements, not everyone is like this. The majority, sadly, follows this trend to a T.

I find it sad that a man like myself has to work through the wall that women have built up around themselves because every other asshole they've ever dealt with has treated them like a peice of property to be traded and shared. I find it sad that men can treat women so badly, but I also find it sad that women allow it to happen. Yes, the first or second time of meeting a guy, it being too perfect at the start, and him turning out to be an asshole can be abit blindsiding. but after the second time, at most, you would suspect that they would have learned how to spot guys like that. Perhaps they enjoy it? No....thats not self satisfying.

And with this I am by no means saying that I believe myself to be perfect or flawless, because I'm not. I have the same engrained tendencies that most men do, I just know how to control them. Being aware of them makes all the difference.

I've met women from all ends of the spectrum. Sluts, goodie goodie's, barbie girls, bicycles, etc etc. And a trend I've noticed with each is that sluts are the way they are because men have treated them like a peice of trash from the beginning. Goodie goodie's are the way they are because they have been severely sheltered and are easily taken advantage of. Barbie girls are the way they are because they enjoy the attention they recieve from men when they tease them. Bicycles are essentially sluts, but they are mentally aware of their decision to be that way.

I'm not entirely sure what the 'point' of this post is, all I know is that I needed to write it down. And perhaps, with how backward society is today, this should be called a Theople Pesis =)

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Its been awhile (Start on Hushabye, and let it play)

Well, I figure its been awhile since I posted, so I'll post again to kinda update things lol.

Things in life are difficult these days. School really isnt a 'problem' any more, but thats not really a good thing depending on how you look at it.

I know that before too long, I will have quite a few bills to be payed regularly, and considering my current job situation, I dont see how thats really possible. So I suspect that I will probably be moving home, but that also, is not really a good thing depending on how you look at it. I mean I love being at home, but the drama that goes on there is just too much to bear a good portion of the time.

I love John and Tanner, but it seems like every time I come down there, something bad always happens involving them. Tanner was arrested the last time and John got a MIP. The time before that, we had abit of a brawl and I lost my cool.

The drama with the Cole family is too much to bear even from this distance. The constant setting up of Matt really gets on my nerves. None of them take the time to check their sources, and the first person that has the finger pointed at them is always Matt. I'm not saying Matt is perfect, because he's not, but when things seem just a little too obvious, its usually not what it seems to be.

I met someone recently, and after roughly 5 months of courting and such, I was pushed on the back burner again. I cannot say I blame her, in a sense, but I cannot understand why she could not be honest from the beginning, perhaps I am biased in my perspective. But when you tell someone on a regular basis for roughly 5 months that they make you happier in a day than they should be, and they're liking you more and more every day, isnt that a clear indication that they like you? I came to find out that this is not the case. That nothing a person says can be taken literally.
I cant really say that, I'm simply speaking out of hurt. But whatever the case may be, I suppose I should be more cautious in my future relationship endeavours.

A tragic hero.
I was described by someone not too long ago as being similar to a tragic hero, much like the heros in shakespears plays. No matter how good their heart is, and no matter how they fight, they never recieve the gift they desire. They do good in life, and for some odd reason they are not rewarded. Atleast not as we see it. Is my quickness to attach myself to someone a flaw? Does an unchangeable part of my personality make me flawed? Or does it make me human? Is my overwhelming desire to share my heart with someone my downfall? It seems as though this is the case, but I suppose I should also keep faith in the fact that I will be rewarded for my time.

No, I do not believe myself to be a perfect person or a saint in any sense of the word. I do believe myself to be a good person. I acknowledge the fact that I have made mistakes in my life, I've hurt people and I've disappointed those I care about and who care about me. But isnt the first step to solving a problem, admitting that you have one? I admit that I have an anger problem. I admit that I am very quick to attach myself to someone. I admit that I am quick to share my heart with someone that I dont know will take good care of it. But is it wrong to trust people? Is it wrong to be who God made you? I surely hope not, because if it is wrong, then I have no desire to be right.

Over the last few days, I've done quite abit of thinking. Not to say that I dont spend most of my days constantly thinking, but this was quite abit more focused thought. Who am I? What makes me Jesse Cole Gashler? And after quite abit of pondering, I cant say that what I've come up with is the truth of the matter. But here are my thoughts, and perhaps the readers can give me abit of insight as to what I've come up with is true.
I am Jesse Cole Gashler, son of Tammy Jaye Bosarge and Robert Alan Goertz. An atypical guy who grew up in a small town, has had (for the most part) the same friends since kindergarten. An intelligent person with a warm, yet heavy heart. Warmth comes from the love I've recieved from so many people in my life, and the heaviness comes from the fact that I carry so much in me. I carry the deepest secrets of my closest friends, the fears and weaknesses of those around me, and my own ineptitudes. I'm not a social person, I'm not a people person. I have a great passion for understanding the world around me in a logical sense, because I acknowledge that the beings that inhabit this earth, are not logical. So the easiest way for me to make sense of what I dont understand, is to notice trends. I do not approach people regularly, infact, in most cases, I avoid approaching people at all costs. Perhaps this is a flaw, but isnt a flaw a defining trait of who you are?

I dont know to be completely honest. I've had far too much going on in my head over the last few days, and abit of venting is far overdue. Please, let me know your opinions

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A Man (Scorched Earth Erotica, Path)

And now the topic of "A Man". What makes a man, a man? I dont mean the aspect of gender of course, I mean the idea of a boy becoming a man. In this post I plan to give a few examples of true 'men'. Men that I strive every day to be like, because they gave me my view of what a true man is.

The first man I must give credit to is my grandfather, or as I knew him as a child, my Grandpa Dick(Real name Richard). I got my name from him, as his middle name is Jesse. I remember being a young child and always hearing him giving words of advice about all kinds of things. Never waste food, always eat what is on your plate, etc etc. It wasnt until I was older that I realized why he did this. He grew up around the time of the Great Depression, and the mindset that was forced into him at the time was "you share what you have" and "you dont waste". He was also one of the greatest storytellers I've ever met. I dont mean that he was a liar, or would make up stories to impress people, he didnt need to, he was impressive enough as he was. I mean that he had a knack for sharing stories of different things, most of them were jokes, that he had heard throughout his life and wanted to share. I will never forget the last time that I shook his hand, hugged him, and told him that I loved him. I miss him very very much. Thank you for being who you were Grandpa.

The next man I have to give credit to for being a true man is my father, Robert Goertz, or Bob, as everyone calls him. The man has been my hero since I can remember. Always so strong, and just seemed larger than life when I was a child. Very loving, caring, and honest. I can understand his wanting me to stay his little boy, because I want him to stay the man that I saw him as when I was little. But we all grow older, and we all change, and I think that him and myself have learned to love eachother as we are now. I apologize for me being such a snotty little child, and I apologize for not always making things easy on you dad. But you will always be my hero, and I will always be your little boy inside. Everything you do for me, I cant even begin to repay. I love you so much dad, and I hope you know that.

The third man I must give credit to is my second father, my stepdad Mack. The supporter of my family, and just an all around good guy. Abit crazy sometimes, but who isnt in our family? Your trucking lifestyle opened up a whole new view of things for me, and the time we spent together when I was younger really influenced the way I grew up. Not that the rest of the men in my life didnt do that. But it influenced it in a different way. Your hippie ways and looks made things so interesting. Playing in the warm rain, swimming in the ocean with you and Moose, eating the home made burritos from the roach coach. Memories I will never forget. Thank you for being you Mack, and know that I love you.

Beauty (I Alone, Californication)

What is beauty? Is beauty what we see in magazines and movies? Or is beauty something far less superficial than what we see on the outside?

I believe that beauty is a purely subjective idea, meaning that the definition of beauty is solely based on the observer.

I suppose the point of this post is to, perhaps, give you a different insight into what is beautiful.
The three women you see on the left side of this post are the women I grew up with. Now, if we were to follow what we're 'shown' as beautiful, they of course would not fit the bill. But this is where the subjectiveness of the idea of beauty comes into it. These three women, in my eyes, are the definition of beauty. They dont spend hours on end trying to perfect themselves, they dont undergo idiotic surgeries to change the way that God made them. They are who they are, and they are beautiful.
The woman at the top is my sister Chandell, almost 30 years old and just as beautiful as she was the day she graduated. The second woman is my sister Castle, and Castle, in my eyes, is the epitome of beauty. She shines like the sun no matter where she is at, not to say that the others dont, but Castles beauty is a different form. And the third woman is my mother. Absolutely gorgeous, and stunning. I love these three women with all of my heart.
I know that this post was rather short, and also abit choppy, but take the time to look at these three women that, in my eyes, are truely beautiful. Try and see what I see in them, because they arent models, they arent actresses, they arent loaded with botox and silicone. They are who they are. That is beauty.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Thoughts... (One Last Breath, Honey And Sulphur, Evolution, I Alone)

Well I will be honest, I am not sure what to write here. But my mind is telling me that I need to write something, so I suppose I'll just let the thoughts flow.

Sleeping. Sleeping is an awesome thing, and something I enjoy doing when I can do it. But when your mind and body will not allow you to sleep, it becomes more of a reward than it is something you 'have' to do. Last week I was prescribed medication that, in usage nowadays, is specifically used for treating chronic insomniatic condition. What this means, is basically that I cannot sleep. And this medication is supposed to help. Isnt a medication that is designed to help you, supposed to work? Well logically I would say yes, simply because of the fact that it wouldnt be around if it wasnt supposed to work. But I must be a rare case to the situation, as the medication, Trazodone HCl, has only worked a few times out of the total number of times I have used it.

Faith. Alot of the things that have happened in the last few weeks have been real tests of my faith. Not only my faith in God, but my faith in myself. It is easy to read too far into something, and misconstrue or mislead yourself into believing something that may or may not be true. But being reminded to have faith in Gods plan has really helped draw me closer to him. It takes alot of strength to have faith that you will recieve what you have earned.

People. People in general not only irritate me, but confuse me to no end. In general, people are selfish, corrupt, materialistic beings that desire only self fulfillment and satisfaction. But I must say it is quite amazing, and rare, to find one who is truely a 'real' person. A person who not only cares about themselves, but cares about others. And not necissarily 'everyone', but atleast a single person who they care about as much as themselves. What a gift it is to have met such a person, and what an eye opening experience it is to come to find out I've known this person for quite some time. <3

And this last part is more of a 'request' than anything. God, please show me the path you want me to walk. Show me the purpose of my existence. Guide me to the one who I can give my heart to, and who will accept it as a gift, not as a curse. Someone who can look at me as more than just a 'friend' or a 'shoulder to cry on'. I know it may take my entire life to find that person, and I know that it will require an immense amount of patience. But I am ready. You've given me the patience to come to see that the place I am in is not so bad. You've given me the strength to move past a rather tough relationship. You've given me the eyes to see the important things in my life. You've given me the knowledge to know and see who I need to focus my efforts on. And even though those efforts may be in vain, I know that it wouldnt have come to the way that it is now, if there was no purpose in it. Is this my gift for paying into Karma? Is this my guiding light to the one I am to spend my life with? Or is this simply another life lesson I am to learn? I wait for the answers to all of this.

Abit odd post I know, but a good way to vent thoughts.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009


In my mind is where I dwell
Wondering if I live in hell
I watch my friends fall in and out
Sometimes it just makes me want to shout!
Why? Whats so different from him than me?
Why don't they ever open their eyes and see?
Is it my clothes? or maybe my hair?
I know I can ask, but I'll never get there
So in my mind, cold and dark
I sit and dwell, without remark

Sunday, October 26, 2008


Well this one is about my family x_x

And this one will have quite a few songs for it, one for each member of my family.

First is Mom v_^ (Scar Tissue)

Gotta love the ol' woman. She's put up with all of us kids and our shit for almost 30 years. She's a friend, a mother, a grandmother, and just a great person. Wouldnt be where I'm at today if it wasnt for her, and others. Her "No Bullshit" attitude, adopted from her mother, is probably the reason that us kids are as strong as we are mentally. She supported our individuality and our growth as a person, and I dont think we'll ever be able to repay her for that. She endured alot of pain and tragedy and just overall bad things in her life and that has made her the strong person she is today. Love ya mom! ^___^

Then Lynn X_X (Montagne Sainte Genevieve)

Crazy. Thats all I can say about Lynn. But seriously, Lynn is a good person. Abit....psychotic? sometimes, but no worse than the rest of us. I'm glad that my dad finally has someone in his life that makes him happy and that he can call his own, and I'm glad she was the one he chose. I'll admit, in my younger years I had abit of a distaste for Lynn because of how quickly my dad left and what not, but he deserved to be happy and no longer be lonely. And I'm glad that he's not lonely anymore. Lynn, be good to my dad, he really likes you and I do too. Love ya Lynn

Then Dad/Mack =P (Sultans Of Swing)

And then Mack. Lol, gotta love the crazy ol' dude. He's, like mom, put up with all of us kids' shit for a very long time. He's a huge part of this family, and even though sometimes him and mom, and him and us kids, have butted heads and had our differences. He's been there. We all make mistakes, and we all dig ourselves into holes that are hard to get out of but we've made it through, rather comfortably I might add. Moose sure liked him, and he sure liked moose. Buddies forever ^__^. He's brought a different culture and style into our lives and we should be deeply grateful like that. Lol its because of him that we know how to correctly pronounce "Y'all". I'm glad to have someone like Mack in our family. I'm glad to be able to say I've been to places, and seen things in the country that alot of people dont have the opportunity of seeing. I'm glad to say that I correctly know how to operate a semi and have both a physical, and a blood connection to that lifestyle. Maybe something I could get into at some point. Decent money and not a horrible lifestyle. Love ya Dad.

Then Dad/Bob O_O (Summer Breeze)

Then Bob. Love this old man with all my heart. Will always have the memories of my childhood with him. "Dots", and "Prairie" and "Desert", and "No one can tell us what to do". I understand his wanting to hold on to me being a little boy, being his little buddy all to well. Cause I want to hold onto him being my big ol' hero. Still is, and I'm sorry that sometimes I dont show it. I wouldnt change a thing about whats happened, and I'm glad you've got someone who makes you happy, cause by you being happy, I'm happy. I cant begin to repay the things you've done for me, but I sure hope I make you proud. Will always remember watching "The Lair Of The Lummox" with you. I deeply enjoy our chats during our trips. I still laugh when I think about your uncertainty at my driving skills. Just remember, I got them from you ^__^. Love ya Dad.

Then Chandell <_> (Das Modell)

You are, and will always be one of the most insane people I know Chandell. but I love you to death. I appreciate your support and help and just you being there for me. I even appreciate your offset way of looking at my mentality. I'm not insane by any means, nor am I suicidal or depressed. Just remember that you're brother is the little boy you and castle taught when I was very little. I'll always love being your 'little' brother. Even though the only thing little about it is the fact that I'm the baby of the family. I love the fact that the girl I decide to be with, first has to get through you and Castle. And I wouldnt have it any other way. Its my filter, my way of weeding out the ones who seem to fit, but I cannot be sure. Love ya Chandell

Then Castle ^__^ (Californication)

Music. Thats what I think about when I think about Castle. This girls life is music. And with good reason. If anyone could describe the voice of a Syren, they had better be talking about Castle. One of the most beautiful voices I've ever heard, and one of the most talented vocalists I've ever heard. She has a great taste in music, and is probably the reason I listen to certain styles of music. I would imagine the reason that I can even match tone and key in voice, is because of you. We learn by watching others, listening to others. I listened to you sing for a long time Castle, and by that I learned how it should sound when voice and key harmonize. How it should sound when a person is truely singing in key. But besides that. Castle is a very unique person. Spend a week with Castle and truely understanding who she is, and you will see why the statement "Beauty is only skin deep" is true to its very core. This is a brotherly opinion, so it is abit biased, but true none the less. Castle is beautiful. Shes not a toothpick model who's losing her hair because she purges herself to fit some sort of society defined version of beauty. Castle is physically and mentally a beautiful person. I think of Castle and I think of the opera singers who not only put their heart and soul into the powerful voices they have. But who are so beautiful when they do it that you cannot keep your eyes off them. I love you Castle.

Then Me O_o (Gabrielle, Gothic Girl)

First off, I put two songs simply because they all describe a part of me.

Gabrielle, a very dark but absolutely beautiful song. Describes a philosophy I deeply believe. There is beauty in both light and darkness. So many people have a fear and dislike of the darkness because they feel it holds something that they cannot see, or understand. The problem with that is that they would see it instantly and understand, there is beauty in Darkness. The night was not created by God to be a thing of fear. The moon is a beautiful thing, something we can actually stare at without giving ourselves laser eye surgery in the process. It is the polar opposite of what we experience during the day. Busyness, running, heat. The Moon represents serenity, calm, and a feeling of peace. The day isnt peaceful, we're all running around everywhere, so caught up in our own lives and life itself, that we dont take the time to feel peace. We cant, we're too busy. The day, people are grumpy and rude and that is the time that we are all stuck together.

Gothic Girl, an odd song to pick but it too describes something about me. The song itself is very soft, but the vocals are dark and kind of beastly. Most of society looks at people who are like myself, find a beauty in the darkness. As being something to fear, or avoid. This makes it abit hard for someone such as myself to co-mingle with general society because they have a predetermined mindset towards me because of my appearance or choices. Well I truely try not to be a rock and lock out everyone else, I have too strong of a family for that to ever last long because they'll just pry their way in(Not that I mind). I wish people would try to avoid the outside appearance until they understand the inside. I look this way not because I'm trying to be something I'm not. I'm not trying to look dark to fit into a clique or group, or because I think I'm some sort of demon and just want to scare children. I'm me ^__^

Monday, October 6, 2008


Some days man... I dunno really. Just am experiencing some rather frightening things at the moment. Not bad frightening, actually quite good. But just a pouring of emotions and feelings I've never felt before and to be honest its driving me quite literally insane. But I wouldnt trade this for anything in the world.

Note to any family members who are reading this, please dont ask me to explain it or anything. I wont. Its nothing to be concerned about by any means, just something I need to deal with myself

Anywho, I feel like the big man up stairs is kicking me in the face for some of the things I've thought and believed in my life. And maybe this isnt the case, but it sure feels like it and it feels like he's trying to draw me closer to him with this. A revelation I've waited almost 19 years for.

I've always been told by my mother and sisters that I'll make some girl so happy when I get older. Yes they told me this when I was no older than 10 but it still stuck with me. This statement has come little since then but I think if they thought I wasnt doing a good job they would tell me. Oh well. But apparently they are right, either that or I truely am dreaming.

They say perfection doesnt exist. but what if we look at perfection in a different aspect? What if we look at perfection as nothing more than a human opinion where its validity is only as strong as the persons emotion on this subject. Wouldnt that mean that perfection could very well exist? Take the people on tv for instance(yes i know its not real). If they truely love eachother as much as they are portrayed that they do, wouldnt that mean that in their eyes, the other is perfect? I know, abit of an odd and hard to keep up with kind of tangent but it is more important than you can imagine.

"I do not believe that God plays dice" This is what Albert Einstein said. Now to be honest he was speaking of quantum mechanics and its absurdity in general but this quote goes far beyond any abstract scientific idea. This means that everything and everyone and every event that has, is, or will ever happen is done for a specific purpose. That all we must do is ask him to guide us and show us and he shall do it when he sees fit. Most people would have a hard time with this idea, and thats understandable. Who wouldnt want to think they have full control over their futures? Well it is true, God works in mysterious ways, and is the greatest gift giver of all. Thank you for what you've given me, thank you for bringing this to me after such a long time of patience and learning.

Another odd tangent, but it too is very important. I apologize that i speak in riddles, but read enough of what i have to say and it shall all become very clear ^_^

On a lighter note, here is a sequence of numbers. give me the next two numbers in the sequence :)


Have fun, if you want the solution message me at

Jesse G

This weekend (Wo Bist Du?)

What a weekend it has been....This is my first blog post on here so i'll try to keep it simple.

First note, anytime i put a weird part in the post name. Thats probably the title of a song I was listening to when I wrote the blog. Might help you to understand if you do the same ^_^

Ehhh. What a day....Weird feelings right now. Kinda feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside. It happens though, just hasnt happened in a long time so I've forgotten how to deal with it. Atleast partially, I'm not freaking out or having anxiety attacks or anything so I think I'm doing pretty good. Ya know, for so many people in the world who really just need to crawl into a cave and die, there seems to be a decent amount of truely good people in this world. Its all a matter of weeding them out of the others, and that is the difficult part.

I dont know, maybe its just that I havent slept very well in the last few days and am beginning to think I'm developing insomnia. Guess thats college life for some people? I heard an interesting statement today, "For every good thing in the world there is something that is bad". Thats pretty deep if you ask me, which just goes to prove the idea of a balance in all things, an equilibrium. And also goes to support the idea of a Dualitive existance. For every thing, there is its polar opposite.

But here's an interesting question, what happens when those polar opposites meet? Well in magnetism they generally attract eachother, in quantum mechanics they destroy eachother and release energy. This also supports the dualitive theorem. Anywho, onto a different topic for you readers who arent very....Scientifically accelerated :) .....I'd prefer to keep the true meaning hidden and allow you to infer it for yourself, so the next part may sound abit odd but try to relate it to me and how I would think about things.

We always see in the movies, that for some unforseen reason or circumstance, things work themselves out in such a way that benefits one life. Well why is it that they dont take into considerations that a persons actions can effect this? Probably because it wouldnt be as flashy or glamorous, atleast thats my opinion. But what if that situation did occur in real life? wouldnt that logically mean that a persons actions make no difference on the situation? Yes if a person went out and purposely destroyed this situation to see if it would effect it, they would probably lose the opportunity.

But if they did their absolute best to continue being themselves, fighting the overwhelming emotions that occured, wouldnt the outcome be the same? I would suspect so, but then again people and society and the human mind is a very illogical device, and it seems to grow more and more irrational as time passes. Again, this may just be my opinion.

But I feel a little better now, although I must admit I am abit tired. I guess I shall make due, its monday and im off all night :)