Sunday, May 31, 2009

Its been awhile (Start on Hushabye, and let it play)

Well, I figure its been awhile since I posted, so I'll post again to kinda update things lol.

Things in life are difficult these days. School really isnt a 'problem' any more, but thats not really a good thing depending on how you look at it.

I know that before too long, I will have quite a few bills to be payed regularly, and considering my current job situation, I dont see how thats really possible. So I suspect that I will probably be moving home, but that also, is not really a good thing depending on how you look at it. I mean I love being at home, but the drama that goes on there is just too much to bear a good portion of the time.

I love John and Tanner, but it seems like every time I come down there, something bad always happens involving them. Tanner was arrested the last time and John got a MIP. The time before that, we had abit of a brawl and I lost my cool.

The drama with the Cole family is too much to bear even from this distance. The constant setting up of Matt really gets on my nerves. None of them take the time to check their sources, and the first person that has the finger pointed at them is always Matt. I'm not saying Matt is perfect, because he's not, but when things seem just a little too obvious, its usually not what it seems to be.

I met someone recently, and after roughly 5 months of courting and such, I was pushed on the back burner again. I cannot say I blame her, in a sense, but I cannot understand why she could not be honest from the beginning, perhaps I am biased in my perspective. But when you tell someone on a regular basis for roughly 5 months that they make you happier in a day than they should be, and they're liking you more and more every day, isnt that a clear indication that they like you? I came to find out that this is not the case. That nothing a person says can be taken literally.
I cant really say that, I'm simply speaking out of hurt. But whatever the case may be, I suppose I should be more cautious in my future relationship endeavours.

A tragic hero.
I was described by someone not too long ago as being similar to a tragic hero, much like the heros in shakespears plays. No matter how good their heart is, and no matter how they fight, they never recieve the gift they desire. They do good in life, and for some odd reason they are not rewarded. Atleast not as we see it. Is my quickness to attach myself to someone a flaw? Does an unchangeable part of my personality make me flawed? Or does it make me human? Is my overwhelming desire to share my heart with someone my downfall? It seems as though this is the case, but I suppose I should also keep faith in the fact that I will be rewarded for my time.

No, I do not believe myself to be a perfect person or a saint in any sense of the word. I do believe myself to be a good person. I acknowledge the fact that I have made mistakes in my life, I've hurt people and I've disappointed those I care about and who care about me. But isnt the first step to solving a problem, admitting that you have one? I admit that I have an anger problem. I admit that I am very quick to attach myself to someone. I admit that I am quick to share my heart with someone that I dont know will take good care of it. But is it wrong to trust people? Is it wrong to be who God made you? I surely hope not, because if it is wrong, then I have no desire to be right.

Over the last few days, I've done quite abit of thinking. Not to say that I dont spend most of my days constantly thinking, but this was quite abit more focused thought. Who am I? What makes me Jesse Cole Gashler? And after quite abit of pondering, I cant say that what I've come up with is the truth of the matter. But here are my thoughts, and perhaps the readers can give me abit of insight as to what I've come up with is true.
I am Jesse Cole Gashler, son of Tammy Jaye Bosarge and Robert Alan Goertz. An atypical guy who grew up in a small town, has had (for the most part) the same friends since kindergarten. An intelligent person with a warm, yet heavy heart. Warmth comes from the love I've recieved from so many people in my life, and the heaviness comes from the fact that I carry so much in me. I carry the deepest secrets of my closest friends, the fears and weaknesses of those around me, and my own ineptitudes. I'm not a social person, I'm not a people person. I have a great passion for understanding the world around me in a logical sense, because I acknowledge that the beings that inhabit this earth, are not logical. So the easiest way for me to make sense of what I dont understand, is to notice trends. I do not approach people regularly, infact, in most cases, I avoid approaching people at all costs. Perhaps this is a flaw, but isnt a flaw a defining trait of who you are?

I dont know to be completely honest. I've had far too much going on in my head over the last few days, and abit of venting is far overdue. Please, let me know your opinions



My thoughts on your post, honest as usual! You are a great person and your description fit well. We all have those flaws you speak of and at times they are too much for me to bare as well. Your starting a new chapter of you life and figuring out exactly what that is can be hard at times. Keep "truckin" along and things will turn out fine. Love you!!!

Anonymous said...

A hero OF MANY FORMS! A tragedy of life, love, or formidable intelligance? NOT IN THE LEAST...

“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.”
Ernest Hemingway

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Charlie said...

I know it is hard not to get down on your self and analyze...the "flaw" with that is we tend to over self analyze. What you have written is in the least, even though heart wrenching, beautiful! You yourself are beautiful. Don't look to trends...they come and go. Flaws are everywhere! If we were perfect we would be God, because only He is perfect! Flaws are what make people unique. And why look at them as flaws? They are the character of each individual. Love will come to you. It will come. Introvertedness is not a flaw. It is a trait. You just have to be more patient than most. Giving of one's heart is a commendable quality. Not enough people do so. The right person will grab onto and tend to it for you. They will nurture your heart and make it grow stronger and fonder.
A tragic superhero? Nah, nothing tragic. Just give it time.

I know the worst thing I can probably say is next...but it is true! I am finding this out for myself...
You are young and have plenty of time. God will bring the right person into your life when He knows you are truly ready...and remember...that person also has to be ready.
Don't give up!