Sober

There's a shadow just behind me
Shrouding every step I take
Making every promise empty
Making the world seem so fake
Waiting like a stalking butler
Who upon the finger rests
Murder now the path must we
Just because the son has come

Jesus won't you fucking whistle?
Something from the word of God
Jesus won't you fucking whistle?
Lead me to the path of God

I am just a worthless liar
I am just an embecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I place my hand upon your temple
And dig my nails in 'till you bleed

Mother Mary won't you whisper?
Something from the word of God
Mother Mary won't you whisper?
Lead me to the path of God

I am just a worthless liar
I am just an embecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
So you tell me that you love him
Tell me does he feel the same?
Do you feel a flutter in you,
Every time he speaks your name?

Trust me. Hate me. Love me. Leave me.

I feed upon the wrenching darkness
Deep inside my human soul
I destroy all that is good
Simply to appease myself
I've been handed everything
I treat it like it was owed to me

I am just a worthless liar
I am just an embecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down




First thing I must note is that this is my own personal take on the lyrics to the song "Sober" by Tool. The second thing is that I am not speaking of 'myself' in this, I am attempting to speak as though I were someone else and this is what I believe should be said. But then again, he would have to admit that it is true in order to speak it in the first place.

Theople Pesis(not a typo)

Ah, summertime thoughts. This post is about people, and their generalized behaviors. A People Thesis of sorts.

People are generally selfish. Agree or disagree? I agree. People, in most cases, are generally far more worried about their own situation and well-being than that of the people around them. Self-satisfaction and gratification are top level important to the average joe. Sad, pathetic, but true.

People are generally more evil than good? Agree or disagree? I take a neutral stance on this. People are only as good as they choose to be, and the same can be said for evil. General tendencies of people seem to point towards the evil side, but at the same instance they all possess a conscience that seems to variably effect their behavior when the situation calls for its interference.

Girls and women of my generation and after seem to have lost the faith that a man can be romantic, and with good reason to be honest. Most men are exactly how we are stereotyped to be. Meatheaded, sex driven, idiots with little capacity for thought, let alone love. And with this loss of faith, they have become more centered around self-satisfaction because the man has done the same thing. Sex is no longer sacred, its just an act of self-gratification with no moral stance in the average person anymore. And these are just generalized statements, not everyone is like this. The majority, sadly, follows this trend to a T.

I find it sad that a man like myself has to work through the wall that women have built up around themselves because every other asshole they've ever dealt with has treated them like a peice of property to be traded and shared. I find it sad that men can treat women so badly, but I also find it sad that women allow it to happen. Yes, the first or second time of meeting a guy, it being too perfect at the start, and him turning out to be an asshole can be abit blindsiding. but after the second time, at most, you would suspect that they would have learned how to spot guys like that. Perhaps they enjoy it? No....thats not self satisfying.

And with this I am by no means saying that I believe myself to be perfect or flawless, because I'm not. I have the same engrained tendencies that most men do, I just know how to control them. Being aware of them makes all the difference.

I've met women from all ends of the spectrum. Sluts, goodie goodie's, barbie girls, bicycles, etc etc. And a trend I've noticed with each is that sluts are the way they are because men have treated them like a peice of trash from the beginning. Goodie goodie's are the way they are because they have been severely sheltered and are easily taken advantage of. Barbie girls are the way they are because they enjoy the attention they recieve from men when they tease them. Bicycles are essentially sluts, but they are mentally aware of their decision to be that way.

I'm not entirely sure what the 'point' of this post is, all I know is that I needed to write it down. And perhaps, with how backward society is today, this should be called a Theople Pesis =)

Its been awhile (Start on Hushabye, and let it play)

Well, I figure its been awhile since I posted, so I'll post again to kinda update things lol.

Things in life are difficult these days. School really isnt a 'problem' any more, but thats not really a good thing depending on how you look at it.

I know that before too long, I will have quite a few bills to be payed regularly, and considering my current job situation, I dont see how thats really possible. So I suspect that I will probably be moving home, but that also, is not really a good thing depending on how you look at it. I mean I love being at home, but the drama that goes on there is just too much to bear a good portion of the time.

I love John and Tanner, but it seems like every time I come down there, something bad always happens involving them. Tanner was arrested the last time and John got a MIP. The time before that, we had abit of a brawl and I lost my cool.

The drama with the Cole family is too much to bear even from this distance. The constant setting up of Matt really gets on my nerves. None of them take the time to check their sources, and the first person that has the finger pointed at them is always Matt. I'm not saying Matt is perfect, because he's not, but when things seem just a little too obvious, its usually not what it seems to be.

I met someone recently, and after roughly 5 months of courting and such, I was pushed on the back burner again. I cannot say I blame her, in a sense, but I cannot understand why she could not be honest from the beginning, perhaps I am biased in my perspective. But when you tell someone on a regular basis for roughly 5 months that they make you happier in a day than they should be, and they're liking you more and more every day, isnt that a clear indication that they like you? I came to find out that this is not the case. That nothing a person says can be taken literally.
I cant really say that, I'm simply speaking out of hurt. But whatever the case may be, I suppose I should be more cautious in my future relationship endeavours.



A tragic hero.
I was described by someone not too long ago as being similar to a tragic hero, much like the heros in shakespears plays. No matter how good their heart is, and no matter how they fight, they never recieve the gift they desire. They do good in life, and for some odd reason they are not rewarded. Atleast not as we see it. Is my quickness to attach myself to someone a flaw? Does an unchangeable part of my personality make me flawed? Or does it make me human? Is my overwhelming desire to share my heart with someone my downfall? It seems as though this is the case, but I suppose I should also keep faith in the fact that I will be rewarded for my time.

No, I do not believe myself to be a perfect person or a saint in any sense of the word. I do believe myself to be a good person. I acknowledge the fact that I have made mistakes in my life, I've hurt people and I've disappointed those I care about and who care about me. But isnt the first step to solving a problem, admitting that you have one? I admit that I have an anger problem. I admit that I am very quick to attach myself to someone. I admit that I am quick to share my heart with someone that I dont know will take good care of it. But is it wrong to trust people? Is it wrong to be who God made you? I surely hope not, because if it is wrong, then I have no desire to be right.

Over the last few days, I've done quite abit of thinking. Not to say that I dont spend most of my days constantly thinking, but this was quite abit more focused thought. Who am I? What makes me Jesse Cole Gashler? And after quite abit of pondering, I cant say that what I've come up with is the truth of the matter. But here are my thoughts, and perhaps the readers can give me abit of insight as to what I've come up with is true.
I am Jesse Cole Gashler, son of Tammy Jaye Bosarge and Robert Alan Goertz. An atypical guy who grew up in a small town, has had (for the most part) the same friends since kindergarten. An intelligent person with a warm, yet heavy heart. Warmth comes from the love I've recieved from so many people in my life, and the heaviness comes from the fact that I carry so much in me. I carry the deepest secrets of my closest friends, the fears and weaknesses of those around me, and my own ineptitudes. I'm not a social person, I'm not a people person. I have a great passion for understanding the world around me in a logical sense, because I acknowledge that the beings that inhabit this earth, are not logical. So the easiest way for me to make sense of what I dont understand, is to notice trends. I do not approach people regularly, infact, in most cases, I avoid approaching people at all costs. Perhaps this is a flaw, but isnt a flaw a defining trait of who you are?

I dont know to be completely honest. I've had far too much going on in my head over the last few days, and abit of venting is far overdue. Please, let me know your opinions

A Man (Scorched Earth Erotica, Path)

And now the topic of "A Man". What makes a man, a man? I dont mean the aspect of gender of course, I mean the idea of a boy becoming a man. In this post I plan to give a few examples of true 'men'. Men that I strive every day to be like, because they gave me my view of what a true man is.

The first man I must give credit to is my grandfather, or as I knew him as a child, my Grandpa Dick(Real name Richard). I got my name from him, as his middle name is Jesse. I remember being a young child and always hearing him giving words of advice about all kinds of things. Never waste food, always eat what is on your plate, etc etc. It wasnt until I was older that I realized why he did this. He grew up around the time of the Great Depression, and the mindset that was forced into him at the time was "you share what you have" and "you dont waste". He was also one of the greatest storytellers I've ever met. I dont mean that he was a liar, or would make up stories to impress people, he didnt need to, he was impressive enough as he was. I mean that he had a knack for sharing stories of different things, most of them were jokes, that he had heard throughout his life and wanted to share. I will never forget the last time that I shook his hand, hugged him, and told him that I loved him. I miss him very very much. Thank you for being who you were Grandpa.

The next man I have to give credit to for being a true man is my father, Robert Goertz, or Bob, as everyone calls him. The man has been my hero since I can remember. Always so strong, and just seemed larger than life when I was a child. Very loving, caring, and honest. I can understand his wanting me to stay his little boy, because I want him to stay the man that I saw him as when I was little. But we all grow older, and we all change, and I think that him and myself have learned to love eachother as we are now. I apologize for me being such a snotty little child, and I apologize for not always making things easy on you dad. But you will always be my hero, and I will always be your little boy inside. Everything you do for me, I cant even begin to repay. I love you so much dad, and I hope you know that.

The third man I must give credit to is my second father, my stepdad Mack. The supporter of my family, and just an all around good guy. Abit crazy sometimes, but who isnt in our family? Your trucking lifestyle opened up a whole new view of things for me, and the time we spent together when I was younger really influenced the way I grew up. Not that the rest of the men in my life didnt do that. But it influenced it in a different way. Your hippie ways and looks made things so interesting. Playing in the warm rain, swimming in the ocean with you and Moose, eating the home made burritos from the roach coach. Memories I will never forget. Thank you for being you Mack, and know that I love you.

Beauty (I Alone, Californication)

What is beauty? Is beauty what we see in magazines and movies? Or is beauty something far less superficial than what we see on the outside?

I believe that beauty is a purely subjective idea, meaning that the definition of beauty is solely based on the observer.

I suppose the point of this post is to, perhaps, give you a different insight into what is beautiful.

The three women you see on the left side of this post are the women I grew up with. Now, if we were to follow what we're 'shown' as beautiful, they of course would not fit the bill. But this is where the subjectiveness of the idea of beauty comes into it. These three women, in my eyes, are the definition of beauty. They dont spend hours on end trying to perfect themselves, they dont undergo idiotic surgeries to change the way that God made them. They are who they are, and they are beautiful.

The woman at the top is my sister Chandell, almost 30 years old and just as beautiful as she was the day she graduated. The second woman is my sister Castle, and Castle, in my eyes, is the epitome of beauty. She shines like the sun no matter where she is at, not to say that the others dont, but Castles beauty is a different form. And the third woman is my mother. Absolutely gorgeous, and stunning. I love these three women with all of my heart.

I know that this post was rather short, and also abit choppy, but take the time to look at these three women that, in my eyes, are truely beautiful. Try and see what I see in them, because they arent models, they arent actresses, they arent loaded with botox and silicone. They are who they are. That is beauty.

Thoughts... (One Last Breath, Honey And Sulphur, Evolution, I Alone)

Well I will be honest, I am not sure what to write here. But my mind is telling me that I need to write something, so I suppose I'll just let the thoughts flow.

Sleeping. Sleeping is an awesome thing, and something I enjoy doing when I can do it. But when your mind and body will not allow you to sleep, it becomes more of a reward than it is something you 'have' to do. Last week I was prescribed medication that, in usage nowadays, is specifically used for treating chronic insomniatic condition. What this means, is basically that I cannot sleep. And this medication is supposed to help. Isnt a medication that is designed to help you, supposed to work? Well logically I would say yes, simply because of the fact that it wouldnt be around if it wasnt supposed to work. But I must be a rare case to the situation, as the medication, Trazodone HCl, has only worked a few times out of the total number of times I have used it.

Faith. Alot of the things that have happened in the last few weeks have been real tests of my faith. Not only my faith in God, but my faith in myself. It is easy to read too far into something, and misconstrue or mislead yourself into believing something that may or may not be true. But being reminded to have faith in Gods plan has really helped draw me closer to him. It takes alot of strength to have faith that you will recieve what you have earned.

People. People in general not only irritate me, but confuse me to no end. In general, people are selfish, corrupt, materialistic beings that desire only self fulfillment and satisfaction. But I must say it is quite amazing, and rare, to find one who is truely a 'real' person. A person who not only cares about themselves, but cares about others. And not necissarily 'everyone', but atleast a single person who they care about as much as themselves. What a gift it is to have met such a person, and what an eye opening experience it is to come to find out I've known this person for quite some time. <3

And this last part is more of a 'request' than anything. God, please show me the path you want me to walk. Show me the purpose of my existence. Guide me to the one who I can give my heart to, and who will accept it as a gift, not as a curse. Someone who can look at me as more than just a 'friend' or a 'shoulder to cry on'. I know it may take my entire life to find that person, and I know that it will require an immense amount of patience. But I am ready. You've given me the patience to come to see that the place I am in is not so bad. You've given me the strength to move past a rather tough relationship. You've given me the eyes to see the important things in my life. You've given me the knowledge to know and see who I need to focus my efforts on. And even though those efforts may be in vain, I know that it wouldnt have come to the way that it is now, if there was no purpose in it. Is this my gift for paying into Karma? Is this my guiding light to the one I am to spend my life with? Or is this simply another life lesson I am to learn? I wait for the answers to all of this.

Abit odd post I know, but a good way to vent thoughts.

Mind

In my mind is where I dwell
Wondering if I live in hell
I watch my friends fall in and out
Sometimes it just makes me want to shout!
Why? Whats so different from him than me?
Why don't they ever open their eyes and see?
Is it my clothes? or maybe my hair?
I know I can ask, but I'll never get there
So in my mind, cold and dark
I sit and dwell, without remark